It came to my attention recently that during the beginning of the year when KFC unveiled Reba McEntire as the newest portrayal of Colonel Sanders, the internet had a bit of a mixed reaction. The majority of people who commented on Reba’s portrayal were elated to see KFC’s progressive appeal, congratulating Reba for finally breaking the fried chicken ceiling! But on the other side of the spectrum, as there were bound to be reactions from traditionalists, the KFC purists who opposed the female colonel. I found Reba’s depiction of the colonel was above satisfactory, however there most recent ad campaign I would have expected more outrage from given that the newest Colonel Sanders is played by Jason Alexander.

I have nothing against Jason Alexander, I loved him in Seinfeld, he’s a seasoned actor and KFC commercial veteran. I have no problem with Jason Alexander being the next Colonel Sanders. My gripe comes from the fact that in this new portrayal of Colonel Sanders, Jason maintains the same Long Island Jew accent as his George Costanza character. Contrarily Reba’s voice matched the Southern Appalachian context of the advertisement and did the colonel justice as did the long line of actors before her including Ray Liotta, Jim Gaffigan, Norm McDonald, and a handful more. But when that commercial gets going, its not a dapper southern gent waltzing through your door with a 5-piece bucket, 3 sides and liter-cola. No, instead its George Costanza dressed as the colonel offering a family-sized bucket of lies.

How am I supposed to trust that my chicken is authentically Kentucky Fried when it is clearly being sold by a Northeastern Carpetbagger in disguise? How am I to trust that they aren’t skimming some of that chicken fat for schmaltz for their matzo ball soup broth? Do they even use 11 herbs and spices or is it 9 herbs and spices with two alliums (onions and garlic)? How can we trust that it is even chicken? For all I know it could be some other species of guinea hen, quail or fowl? What other lies has KFC been sweeping under the rug in their quest for fast food supremacy? What kind of world do we live in where you can’t even trust your fast food conglomerates? Yes KFC has made great progressive strides in the name of feminism and equality, but at what cost? With their frivolous, relentless and reckless colonel casting, how long is it until KFC collapses under their ow hubris and acknowledge the folly of their ways? The only reasonable conclusion is that KFC is clearly a conspiracy to undermine traditional southern values, destabilize the region, and neuter the American reputation overseas. Jason Alexander’s portrayal of Colonel Sanders will single-highhandedly dismantle the institution of democracy, and will inevitably lead to WWIII.